maybe this is not a good idea...

now come to think of it, i don't feel secure writing and revealing ALL my innermost feelings online to a bunch of strangers. i don't know who's going to read this, nor will i feel comfortable knowing. so it's kind of a lose-lose situation. so why am i doing this? it makes no sense. sometimes, i feel like i should pen down my thoughts, just in case i burst if it just wells up inside of me and never comes out. but the security of my trove of thoughts, or rather the lack of it, scares me. it will definitely feel weird if i go to school, or walk along the road, and there are people who know how i feel inside, even if i don't show it. and this most frightening thing is: i have absolutely NO IDEA who these people are! i may be suspecting innocent people, or feeling safe among the people who KNOW. ahh...

maybe i'm babbling. maybe not. i don't know.

i guess some other people seem to think that writing what they feel online becomes a habitual activity because it helps to relive the load of keeping it all inside. but i then ask them, what about all the people who really care? you can just tell these people and it's enough. somebody i know started something public, but wants to keep it private. it's kind of conflicting, the whole aim. right? how can two opposing states exist simultaneously? i feel that contradiction is something phony, much like you're trying to hide behind a protection. someone once said something that goes somewhat like this: everyone hides behind masks, and they are competing with reality to see how much longer they can cope with it before it eventually implodes, crumbling everyting inside. to me, it's true.

well then. i have to see if i should continue this, or just start a real private diary. we'll see.